The language people use has a huge effect, so it’s important to use the right words at the right time!

First rule: Never assume anything!

When people fall seriously ill, we often say things like ‘you can fight this‘ or ‘you can beat this’ or ‘You’ll be fine…’

But you can’t say that because you don’t know! The doctors can’t give that guarantee so you shouldn’t either. If they don’t pull through, it’s like they didn’t fight hard enough. Illness is not something people have any control over, so suggesting they do isn’t helpful — and it doesn’t make them feel better. Nor does it give space needed to be honest about their fears.

So instead, say: ‘Whatever life throws at you, I will support you‘. You could also say ‘I hope you’ll get well again soon’, or ‘this must be really difficult for you. How are you coping?‘

Whatever happens, don’t say ’You’ll be running around again in no time!’ People need time to come to terms with the loss of their good health. Anyone who has been through a major illness or trauma needs to focus on what they’ve got now, and go from there. 

So instead, say ‘What are you wishes for recovery? What do you want to be able to do that you can’t do yet?’ It’s always okay to say ‘Be gentle on yourself‘ or ‘Shout if you /want any help‘.

The person who is ill will know exactly what they’re capable of, so don’t preach to them about what you think they should and should not do.

Whatever happens, don’t belittle their situation by saying something like ‘You’ll be fine after a good rest’ when in fact they’re tired because they’re dying and there’s no solution to their tiredness. People say these things because they think it will make things better, but it doesn’t.

So instead, say ‘If you get too tired and are ready to go home, just give me the nod and I’ll help you slip out into a taxi‘ or ‘thanks for coming along, I love seeing you. Would you like me to give you a lift home?‘

Telling someone ‘You look tired’ will more than likely make them feel even worse! So never tell people they look dreadful or awful. However… don’t lie and tell them they look amazing when they don’t. Better to not say anything about their appearance.

But It’s OK to say ‘I’m so happy to see you‘, because you’re saying about how you feel.

You can ask how they are feeling and if they are tired, and maybe offer to help with something specific, such as helping with he washing, or the children, or even the husband!

This will really help because it will give them time to themselves. You could let them know when you’re going shopping and ask them for a list.

We all say ‘anything I can do to help, just shout‘…or ‘I’m here if you need me‘, but most people don’t mean it. So be specific in your offerings…like ‘I’m going shopping etc‘ or ‘Would it help you if I did the ironing for you?’ or ‘Would it help you if I took the kids out for the afternoon?’

Whatever happens, never say ’Well, you look fine…’ People don’t understand how difficult it is to just appear ‘normal‘ sometimes! When people are ill, they could be seeing their friends one day, and facing a crucial hospital appointment the next. They could be seriously ill or only have a day in bed to look forward to.

Instead, say ‘I’m so glad you could make it today, I love seeing you‘… This will show that you appreciate the effort and understand that it might have taken more effort than other people think.

When someone is dying, people still say stupid, inane things like ‘At least you can sit in the garden’ or ‘at least you have your family with you‘. He hard truth is… there is no ‘at least!‘

Instead, ask ‘Tell me what I can do to make this as easy as possible for you‘.

Mostly, people don’t want any drama or deep and meaningful chats, they just want you to be the same. In other words, they don’t want overt displays of sympathy, they just want you to be yourself. Having said that, making them laugh is OK.

However, if you’re ill, you can’t save energy or store it for later… you either have it or you don’t. When people have energy, there’s nothing worse than people telling you to save it!

At some stage it will be gone, so most people find it easier to enjoy what they have and ‘live in the moment’.

So it’s better to say, ’I am here to support you’… and mean it! You have to understand that the person who is ill understands their body better than anyone else, and if they want to do something, support them!