Getting children to listen is all about making them feel respected, emotionally safe, and involved in the process. Instead of treating defiance as something to quash, we should see it as a need for connection, clarity or even emotional support. When we respond with empathy and leadership, rather than control or criticism, we can avoid power struggles and raise children who trust us, regulate their own feelings and behaviour, and develop into more emotionally resilient adults.

There are phrases you should avoid using if you want your children to behave properly, because dealing with defiant children by making threats doesn’t work! Far better is to use phrases children want to listen to.

Instructions such as “stop that” or “if you don’t do this, then…” will more likely trigger a fight-or-flight response in children who are naturally argumentative.

“Because I said so” just shuts down communication and smacks of blind obedience. A better way would  be to say “I know you don’t like this decision, but I’ll explain, and then we can move forward.” It works because explaining your reasoning helps a child feel respected. You’re not debating or negotiating, you’re providing respectful leadership.

This kind of phrasing acknowledges the child’s feelings but also reinforces the feeling you are in charge, but in a calm, grounded way.

“If you don’t listen, you’ll… (lose a certain privilege) is not as effective as saying “When you’re ready to behave in a more reasonable way, we can…” do something else the child likes doing. Threats can lead to defiance and force children to adopt a defensive state of mind, whereas the promise of  reward, while establishing a firm boundary, gives the child control over when they’re ready to meet it. So instead of  removing the limit, you’re removing the conflict.

Never tell a child to “stop crying.” Instead, try something like “I see you’re really upset. Why don’t you share with me what’s happening?’ Dismissing a child’s emotions only serves to teach them their feelings are wrong or too much to handle. Emotional invalidation leads to disconnection, and disconnected kids don’t cooperate! When a child feels they are being heard, they calm down more quickly and will trust you.

Never ask a child “How many times do I have to tell you?” because the question assumes the child is being intentionally difficult. Try this instead: “I’ve asked you about this a few times. Help me understand what’s making it hard for you.”

Often, what looks like defiance can be confusion or disconnection, so this ‘reframe’ invites problem-solving instead of blame — and that gets to the root of the issue.

Telling a child “You know better than that” is not as effective as saying “Something’s getting in the way of your best self right now… let’s talk about it.”

Saying “You should know better” shames the child and questions their integrity. But the alternative phrase reflects a different mindset… from punishment to partnership. It assumes the best in your child and encourages self-reflection instead of defensiveness. Most important, it sends the message “I believe in you, and I’m here to help.”

Mindfulness has become the psychological buzzword of the 21st century, embraced by  Neuro-Linguistic Programmers and snake oil salesman the world over. It’s a new idea based  on old knowledge and involves emptying your mind and listening to the world around you.  You imagine you are able to hear the faint sounds of a still summers day, the song of a  solitary bird… the sound of the rain… or even the rumble of traffic… the sounds of  neighbours arguing… an ambulance… or a distant car alarm.  

Mindfulness teaches people to ‘live in the moment’ when in fact they are living on a council  estate in Rochdale. Mindfulness teaches you to accept things as they are — rubbish,  expensive, unfair and out of date in six months. Mindfulness teaches you that there is more  wisdom in a waterfall than there is in a hundred men, when deep down, we all know that this  is bollocks.  

Mindfulness teaches you how to stare at a tree for hours, completely removing your work related stress when you should be working. Mindfulness teaches you kindness and how to  meditate and think of a friend and send them pure love. This is easier than bothering to go  and see them or lending them money.  

Mindfulness practitioners like to go on silent retreats for days where nobody demands  anything of you, except the course fee. There are silent lectures followed by silent question  and answer sessions. Most retreats take place in West London and whilst not as good as  Thailand, they’re much cheaper. In Thailand you can find your way to a state of intense  curiosity and awareness and ladyboys. Mindfulness teaches self-realisation — you learn to  accept you are a plumber and not a Nobel Prize winner or a high flying company executive.  

Mindfulness teaches you to smile all the time, something guaranteed to irritate others and  think you’re odd. You can achieve mindfulness anywhere, simply by filling your mind with  images of calm, serenity and wonder. Mindfulness teaches that life can sometimes be too  noisy. It also teaches you to not speak for long periods of time.  

New kinds of mindfulness are popping up all the time. There are now courses for cardio mindfulness, cockney mindfulness, honey-roast mindfulness, micro-mindfulness and  mindlessness, where you beat up your inner total stranger.  

Mindfulness teaches you to love the Earth and ignore the fact that the Earth does not love  you back. You could join Friends of the Earth, but the Earth will never know you.  

Mindfulness teaches you to get in touch with your inner child. Some people discover that  their inner child has been given some experimental medication and have some very vivid  dreams.  

Better than mindfulness is to listen to Monty Python’s uplifting song, ‘Always look on the  Bright Side of Life.’ It costs less, makes more sense, and it’s meaning gives clarity to the  soul.  

Believe it or not, chocolate is good for you!  

Researchers at Harvard University studied 8,000 men aged 65 and over and found that  those who ate modest amounts of chocolate lived almost a year longer than those who  didn’t eat any! And at the Cognition and Research Centre at Middlesex University,  scientists are investigating a whole range of health benefits linked to the food. The results  showed that smell receptors in the nasal passages react so strongly to the more than 300  chemicals in chocolate, it left people on an emotional high. 

A 100g bar of dark chocolate gives you 2.4mg of iron and 90mg of magnesium, around  one third of the recommended daily amounts. Conversely, white chocolate contains no  cocoa solids, just cocoa butter, and so is relatively high in fat. For example, a 100g white  Toblerone bar has a whopping 540 calories and 30.7g of fat. 

Despite its sugar content, dentists chocolate is said by to be less damaging to teeth than  many other sweets because it tends to be chewed quickly instead of being sucked. There  are naturally-occurring tannins in chocolate that help to inhibit the growth of dental plaque,  and there is known to be a substance in all chocolate called phenethylamine (PEA), which  is produced naturally by the brain and thought to increase levels of the mood-enhancing  chemicals, serotonin and endorphins. 

In theory, the more PEA you eat, the more amorous and aroused you feel, which is why  chocolate has a reputation as an aphrodisiac and researchers found sharing chocolate  with a loved one increased oxytocin levels.  

Chocolate also stimulates theobromine and phenethylamine, which stimulates the release  of B-endorphins which stokes the production of dopamine and norepinephrine. These  chemicals flood your system when you’re feeling loving. And Theobromine is chemically  similar to caffeine and like its chemical cousin. it stimulates the central nervous system and also has mood enhancing effects.

Thomas Edison tapped into the creative imagination more than 100 years ago. He found that taking a quick snooze boosted his creativity, and a new study finds the famous inventor may have been on to something! He would hold a ball in his hands while napping and when his muscles relaxed, the ball fell from his hands, hit the floor and woke him just in time to capture sleep-inspired ideas.

Researchers at the Paris Brain Institute found taking a quick nap taps into a ‘creative sweet spot’ because the brain only drifts into the first stage of sleep, known as the hypnagogia state, or N1, considered the transitional state between being awake and sleep. During this stage, our muscles start to relax and we have dreamlike visions about recent experiences. N1 is also known as hypnagogic hallucinations. It’s also the least studied stage of sleep. When we sleep, we only spend usually less than 10 minutes in N1.

It’s characterised by involuntary and imagined experiences, and it is during N1 that your muscles relax and you begin to have visions of recent events which help you through a mental block to solve a puzzle, a test, or finish a project. The study set out to see if these visions can help people overcome mental obstacles and used the same method as Edison. They were each given an empty plastic bottle to hold in their right hand, while researchers recorded their brain activity with electro-encephalography helmets to measure electrical waves produced by neural cells.

103 volunteers were recruited for the study and asked to work on a maths test. However, the volunteers were not told about a hidden rule designed to easily solve the puzzle. The researchers gave each participants 30 tries at the test and those who failed to find the hidden rule took a quick 20-minute nap.

The researchers found those who spent at least 15 seconds in N1 had an 83% chance of solving mathematical puzzles, while those who remained awake had only a 30% chance.

The great psychologist and cocaine addict Sigmund Freud believed that one’s personality was dictated by the astrological star sign you were born under! Meanwhile, in other news, other research has proved over and over again that music lessons and musical training from an early age can improve spatial awareness.

Research has shown that the motor cortex, the cerebellum and the corpus callosum, which connects the two sides of the brain, is more developed in musicians than it is in those who have never had the opportunity to play a musical instrument… and children who grow up with an appreciation of great music really do end up smarter than those brought up on a diet of endless ‘pop’ junk.

Music lessons improve hand/eye coordination and pattern recognition. All those scales and arpeggios really do come in useful! And then there’s the purely therapeutic and soothing effect of great music and the many and varied components of really great music. Variations in mood, pitch, rhythm, speed, tone, etc. can be both profoundly relaxing and positively uplifting and exciting.

The appreciation of great music can activate the brain’s reward centres and depress activity in the amygdala, reducing the effect of negative emotions such as depression and fear.

Can Nightclub drugs cure depression?

Meditation and mindfulness are now regularly recommended complementary therapies for common mental health concerns but new research has added weight to scientists’ growing interest in the potential positive effects of psychedelic drugs on mental health. 

As the incidence of mental health issues climbs ever higher, doctors, scientists and patients are increasingly looking outside the traditional treatment box of pharmaceutical anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications, and a growing number of clinical trials are exploring the use of psychedelics like psilocybin — from ‘magic’ mushrooms and dance club drugs like MDMA and ketamine for depression and PTSD, with surprisingly promising results. 

Neuroscientists argue that all of these methods encourage neuroplasticity — a kind of brain flexibility thought to stave off mental health issues. But population and social studies suggest certain kinds of beliefs and experiences themselves are linked to better mental health. 

In recent years, scientists have been looking looked at psychedelic drugs as promising therapies for treatment-resistant mental illness. Ongoing clinical trials suggest that drugs once taken by hippies and nightclub officianados might have positive benefits for mental health. 

Ketamine

The nightclub drug and tranquilizer is being tested for the treatment of depression. In March 2019, the US Food and Drug Administration approved the first nasal spray version of the drug. Ketamine works much more quickly than traditional antidepressants, and scientists believe it encourages new neural connections that can help overwrite unhealthy, depressive thought patterns. 

Psilocybin  

The active ingredient in magic mushrooms is a powerful hallucinogen. It acts far more quickly than traditional drugs and is being analysed for use in patients with depression and PTSD. Psilocybin helps encourage neuroplasticity and is thought to quieten the ‘default mode network’ in the brain and activate the ‘salience network’ that is involved in medication. In August, the US FDA cleared the largest clinical trial for psilocybin to date. 

MDMA  

The nightclub drug MDMA — sometimes called ‘Molly’ — is currently in trials to treat PTSD. MDMA appears to quieten activity in the amygdala and hippocampus, regions of the brain involved in emotional processing and fear responses, which are over-active in those with PTSD. Patients participating in MDMA trials take a dose of the drug, and remain in an eight-hour session with two therapists who guide their experience. 

LSD 

The psychedelic hippie drug LSD has a similar structure to the brain chemical serotonin. LSD’s discovery played a role in the discovery of how serotonin works in the brain and why imbalances of the neuro-chemical are involved in depression and anxiety. Trials using LSD-assisted therapy to treat anxiety are ongoing and have shown early promise. 

Crime, it seems, is a family affair.

People are willing to vary their sense of right and wrong when it comes to their own family — even if it means breaking the law!

A study from the University of Michigan found that when a member of the family behaves abhorrently, their nearest and dearest are often inclined to protect them. This familial protection is prevalent for any moral infraction, but becomes more intense when a person is guilty of a severe events, such as theft, blackmail and groping.

In the paper, published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, the study authors said that they were surprised people become more protective of a loved one as the severity of the crime increases. This quirk of human nature was seen, regardless of gender, political orientation, morals or personal disgust by the offence.

Aaron Weidman, psychology research fellow and the study’s co-lead author said, ’We were really taken aback to see that most people predict that they will protect those close to them even in the face of heinous moral infractions’.

The study collated answers from more than 2,800 people in ten separate studies when asked how they would react when someone close to them commits theft or sexual harassment. Participants were quizzed about how they would react if asked by a police officer if they knew any information about an immoral act they had witnessed. The study uncovered that people would hide the truth and even lie — a criminal offence in itself — to protect their family.

However, the same standards were not upheld for strangers, with participants wanting the perpetrator to be punished and saying they would consider informing the authorities and even excommunicating them socially.

Most people justified their decision by claiming to discipline the wrongdoing themselves. By doing this, people maintain their self-image as a morally upstanding individual as well as preserving the close relationship.

‘Loyalty is a powerful motivator that, under certain circumstances, can override other virtues like honesty,’ said Walter Sowden, the study’s other lead author, and former University of Michigan psychology doctoral student who is now an army research psychologist.

Misophonia is a condition where certain sounds, noises or behaviours can trigger extremely strong, even overpowering, negative feelings and emotions that are hard to control. 

Anxiety and Misophonia are distinct conditions but there are links between them and both  conditions can affect anyone. However, research indicates it’s more common in female and is most likely to develop in the early teens. Misophonia isn’t dangerous or life threatening, but it is unpredictable and can negatively affect mental health. Symptoms ca be managed and hypnosis can help to keep reactions and emotional responses under  control.  

Research also suggests that Misophonia can be a lifelong condition. It doesn’t have offici recognition as a distinct disorder but it is acknowledged as a formal consensus definitio for research purposes and for diagnosis and treatment. It is recognised by healthcare  providers who understand how it can affect suffere 

Misophonia can affect people in different ways. Some people may have just  ‘trigger’ sound that causes this reaction while others may have several. Some reactions  can be severe. Some people find it extremely difficult to control the emotional resp they feel, but most people can control their responses. Others experience impulsive  reactions and in the most severe cases, sufferers may not be able to do certain tasks or b in specific environments. They may feel fearful or anxious about the possibility of hearin trigger sounds and these feelings can sometimes be strong enough to affect routin activities.  

Behavioural reactions can occur in response to trigger sounds and are usually impulse or  instinct driven and a sufferer might not always be able to exercise full control over the 

Emotional feelings can be intense and overwhelming. There can be a rapid escalation of  these feelings — mild irritation can easily turn into anger or even rage. 

Physical feelings are self-protective processes that kick in automatically, similar to those  that happen in threatening fight-or-flight situatio 

Body reactions can include increase in blood pressure, chest pressure or tightness,  goosebumps, increases in heart rate, sweating… 

Violent emotional driven reactions, toward people or objects, are rare, but they would  include anger, anxiety, disgust, fear, irritation… 

Avoidance reactions include avoiding situations where trigger sounds might happen,  leaving the area when a trigger sound happens, verbal or vocal reactions such as talking or  yelling at who or what made the sound, non-violent action to stop the sound, and rarely,  violent action to stop the sound. 

He severity of symptoms can also vary. When symptoms are less severe, emotional and  bodily reactions may be all one may experience, but if symptoms are more severe, the  effects may be so strong as to also cause a behavioural reaction. In very severe cases,  sufferer may react so strongly — either with words or actions — that they don’t have tim 

to think before behaving in a way that could be upsetting to others. In those situations, it’s  common for the person with Misophonia to regret their actions afterwards, but still struggle  to control themselves in the future.  

Different people are triggered by different sounds. Some sounds may be more likely trigger than others. The sound of the wind or rain can be triggers, but these natural sounds  are rare. Sounds made by humans are much more likely to trigger a reaction. Examples  include eating and drinking noises, smacking lips, chewing with mouth open, loud  swallowing, crunching or gulping, breathing noises including snoring, sniffing, nose blowing, heavy breathing, etc. Even noises made by tapping fingers or toes, clicking a  tapping rhythms in time to music, etc can be triggers, as can throat clearing, coughing,  humming, clicking, etc. 

All the kinds of noises and sounds above are made by humans and are selfish and ofte downright rude, so sufferers are quite reasonably going to get frustrated and annoyed a others people’s lack of manners.  

No one knows exactly what causes Misophonia but research has shown that  differences in brain structure or brain activity, a family history of certain behaviours, or eve genetics may be responsible. It may be that some people just prefer peace and quiet  rather than the ill-mannered noises of others!  

Another cause could be more connections or activity in or between certain areas of the  brain that control the processing of sounds and related emotions. Hearing and emotions  are part of the brain’s built-in self-protection system anyway. Think of our distant ancestors  guarding their caves in the dead of night and this might explain why we learn to associate  certain kinds of noise with emotions like fear, anger and disgust with threatening situations. 

Misophonia is like suddenly turning on a radio only to find it was left on at maximu volume. We learn to react to sudden noises that makes us react instinctively to make the  noise stop. People with Misophonia are likely more sensitive to the kind of sounds which  lead to emotional and behavioural reactions. There is evidence that suggests Misophonia  might be a condition that runs in families. 

Other conditions and other brain disorders which may contribute to Misophonia include Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Autism Spectrum Disorder Tourettes syndrome or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). 

There are similarities and links between Misophonia and other conditions, such as  OCD or PTSD, indicate that people with Misophonia may benefit from various forms o mental health therapy, psychotherapy or hypnotherapy. 

Misophonia may not be an officially recognised condition, but that doesn’t mean i effects can’t be treated. Psychotherapy can help identify triggers, and suggest ways t minimise or prevent triggers. Hypnosis can help can help to develop coping strategies and  techniques to avoid impulsive reactions to triggers and reduce sensitivity to existing  triggers. 

The same treatments employed for anxiety and OCD may also help with Misophonia, as can hypnotherapy. Sufferers can adapt to, or manage the condition using technolog such as noise-canceling headphones. Listening to music or an audio book to keep the  brain’s hearing-related processes focused on anything other than listening for a trigger  sound may also help. 

Many people may experience dissociation (dissociate) at some stage in their life. 

Dissociation is one way the mind copes with extreme stress. Everyone’s experience of  dissociation is different, but typical signs are feeling disconnected from yourself and the  world around you, feeling detached from your body or feeling the world around you isn’t  real. 

Experiences of dissociation can be triggered by being so absorbed in a book or film that  you lose awareness of your surroundings, or driving a familiar route and arriving at your  destination without memory of how you got there. Experiences of dissociation can last for  hours, days, weeks, or or even months. For many people, it’s a natural response to  trauma they can’t control.  

Dissociation may be a way of coping with stressful experiences, a symptom of mental  health problems, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder or borderline  personality disorder. Some people may even dissociate as part of certain cultural or  religious practices. Dissociation can also be a side effect of alcohol or some medication, or  when coming off medication. 

Dissociation can be experienced in different ways and there are specific dissociative  disorders: 

Dissociative amnesia — Having difficulty remembering personal information:  • Gaps in your memory where you can’t remember certain events 

• Being unable to remember information about yourself or your life history • Forgetting how to do something you’ve been able to do well in the past • Finding you have items that you don’t remember owning 

Dissociative fugue — Travelling to a different location or taking on a new identity: 

• You might travel somewhere and forget how you got there. You might forget important  details about yourself and take on a new identity 

De-realisation — Feeling like the world around you is unreal: 

• Seeing objects changing in shape, size or colour 
• Feeling detached or separate from the world around you 
• Seeing the world as ‘lifeless’ or ‘foggy’ 
• Feeling like you’re seeing the world through a pane of glass 
• Feeling like you’re living in a dream 
• Feeling as if other people are robots (even though you know they aren’t) Depersonalisation — Feeling like you’re looking at yourself from the outside: 1 of 2
• Feeling as though you’re looking at yourself from the outside or watching yourself in a  film 
• Feeling as if you are observing your emotions 
• Feeling disconnected from parts of your body or your emotions 
• Feeling as if you’re floating away 
• Feeling unsure of the boundaries between yourself and other people 

Identity alteration — Feeling your identity shift and change: 

• Switching between different parts of your personality 
• Speaking in a different voice or voices 
• Using a different name or names 
• Feeling as if you’re losing control to someone else 
• Experiencing different parts of your identity at different times 
• Acting like different people, including children 

Identity confusion — Difficulty defining what kind of person you are: • Finding it very difficult to define what kind of person you are 

• Feeling like your opinions, tastes, thoughts and beliefs change a lot 

Triggers and flashbacks: 

A flashback is a sudden, involuntary re-experiencing of a past traumatic event as if it’s  happening in the present. You might even experience a different identity with different  memories. Things you see, hear, taste, smell or touch that remind you of past trauma can  cause dissociation. Flashbacks can cause you to experience sensations and feelings from  the past so that you relive a past traumatic event in the present.  

There’s a simple questionnaire designed for over 16s to detect general traits of Autism.  It consists of ten questions that focus on social skills and communication. It’s estimated  that around 700,000 adults and children in the UK have been diagnosed with autism  diagnosis, with thousands more having it without knowing they have it.  

With numbers of children affected with Autism on the rise, families in some parts of the UK  families are waiting up to four years just for an assessment!  

According to the NHS, being Autistic does not mean you have an illness or a disease, it  simply means your brain works in a different way. Autism can vary widely between  individuals — some of those affected will be able to lead fully functioning lives with no  additional help, while others may need full-time assistance. Classic signs of the disability  include trouble communicating, finding certain situations overwhelming and repeating  certain behaviours.  

The Autism-Spectrum Quotient (AQ) Test is a self-administered questionnaire developed  to assess the presence of Autism-Spectrum traits in adults. Created by Professor Simon  Baron-Cohen at the Cambridge Autism Research Centre, the AQ was published in 2001. 

Basically, the test focusses on social communication, behaviour, and how people process  information. The test provides an indication of autistic traits but it’s not a diagnostic tool. A  high score suggests that further assessment might be necessary, but it can’t confirm an  autism diagnosis, which requires in-depth analysis, including clinical interviews,  developmental history, and observation by specialists. But it can be a useful first step in  recognising potential signs of autism It is not definitive, merely a guide to help determine if  additional professional insights are needed. Scores of six or less make autism unlikely. 

Score one point if you AGREE with any of the following statements:  1. I often notice small sounds when others do not  

2. I like to collect information about categories of things  
3. I find it difficult to work out people’s intentions  
4. When I’m reading a story, I find it difficult to work out the character’s intentions  Score one point if you DISAGREE with any of the following statements: 5. I find it easy to read between the lines when someone is talking to me  6. I usually concentrate more on the whole picture, rather than the small details  7. I know how to tell if someone is listening to me is getting bored  
5. I find it easy to do more than one thing at once  
6. I find it easy to work out what someone is thinking or feeling just by looking at their face 10. If there’s an interruption, I can switch back to what I was doing very quickly  

If you score six or more, it might be a sign you might be autistic, in which case, you should seek an assessment for autism. 

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Autism nearly tripled in children and young adults in the last decade. 

Autism in children and young adults in America has surged in the last decade — an  analysis of millions of health records found that among all age groups, diagnoses rose  175% between 2011 and 2022, from a rate of 2.3 to 6.3 per 1,000 people. The biggest  increase was among young adults ages 26 to 34, with an increase of 450%.  

Researchers also noted that the autism ‘gender gap’ is closing as more girls and women  are diagnosed with the condition. but they cautioned that actual rates are likely even  higher than predicted, as not all autistic children have access to screening and therapy.  

Children aged five to eight are still the most likely group to be diagnosed — at a rate of 30  per 1,000 — especially school-aged boys. But better screening, raised awareness and a  broader diagnostic criteria are also driving the surge. Recent studies have also pointed to  environmental factors like pollution, and aging mothers also playing a role.  

Nations such as the UK are facing an even higher surge as the number of autistic adults  also continue to grow. A recent NHS report found that 200,000 Brits are waiting on an  autism assessment, up from 30,000 in 2023.  

About one in 36 US children and one in 50 adults have autism, according to the CDC,  Environmental factors like pollution, illnesses during pregnancy, and older parental age  could also be to blame.  

The majority of autistic participants were aged from up to the age of four, followed closely  by ages five to eight. ADHD diagnoses decreased with age, with the smallest percentage  group (1 in 200) being over age 65.  

Boys and men outnumbered girls and women three to one, which experts have suggested  could be due to genetic mutations and hormones more common in boys.  

On the other hand… the increases in diagnoses could be due to ‘changes in  developmental screening practices’ and changes in ‘diagnosis definitions, policies, and  environmental factors.’ In other words, scientists have defined a lexicon of terms to  describe variations in age-old growing pains in children and excuses for poor behaviour in  adults.