Getting children to listen is all about making them feel respected, emotionally safe, and involved in the process. Instead of treating defiance as something to quash, we should see it as a need for connection, clarity or even emotional support. When we respond with empathy and leadership, rather than control or criticism, we can avoid power struggles and raise children who trust us, regulate their own feelings and behaviour, and develop into more emotionally resilient adults.

There are phrases you should avoid using if you want your children to behave properly, because dealing with defiant children by making threats doesn’t work! Far better is to use phrases children want to listen to.

Instructions such as “stop that” or “if you don’t do this, then…” will more likely trigger a fight-or-flight response in children who are naturally argumentative.

“Because I said so” just shuts down communication and smacks of blind obedience. A better way would  be to say “I know you don’t like this decision, but I’ll explain, and then we can move forward.” It works because explaining your reasoning helps a child feel respected. You’re not debating or negotiating, you’re providing respectful leadership.

This kind of phrasing acknowledges the child’s feelings but also reinforces the feeling you are in charge, but in a calm, grounded way.

“If you don’t listen, you’ll… (lose a certain privilege) is not as effective as saying “When you’re ready to behave in a more reasonable way, we can…” do something else the child likes doing. Threats can lead to defiance and force children to adopt a defensive state of mind, whereas the promise of  reward, while establishing a firm boundary, gives the child control over when they’re ready to meet it. So instead of  removing the limit, you’re removing the conflict.

Never tell a child to “stop crying.” Instead, try something like “I see you’re really upset. Why don’t you share with me what’s happening?’ Dismissing a child’s emotions only serves to teach them their feelings are wrong or too much to handle. Emotional invalidation leads to disconnection, and disconnected kids don’t cooperate! When a child feels they are being heard, they calm down more quickly and will trust you.

Never ask a child “How many times do I have to tell you?” because the question assumes the child is being intentionally difficult. Try this instead: “I’ve asked you about this a few times. Help me understand what’s making it hard for you.”

Often, what looks like defiance can be confusion or disconnection, so this ‘reframe’ invites problem-solving instead of blame — and that gets to the root of the issue.

Telling a child “You know better than that” is not as effective as saying “Something’s getting in the way of your best self right now… let’s talk about it.”

Saying “You should know better” shames the child and questions their integrity. But the alternative phrase reflects a different mindset… from punishment to partnership. It assumes the best in your child and encourages self-reflection instead of defensiveness. Most important, it sends the message “I believe in you, and I’m here to help.”