If you’re constantly forgetting where you put your keys, if you’re daydreaming, or stumble over what you were saying in mid sentence, you might have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD. It’s estimated 2.6 million people in the UK are ‘neurodivergent’ and have the condition which affects concentration, impulse control and activity levels.
Some people have described being in a relationship with someone with ADHD as ‘really exciting’, partly because those with ADHD are so creative, but some ADHD-related behaviours, like impulsivity, forgetfulness and mood swings, can be frustrating and hurtful.
ADHD was previously only believed to affect boys (as was autism) but there has been a huge increase in women discovering they have ADHD later in life. It’s also mistaken to think that Gen Z and Millennials are particularly desperate to get an official stamp of neurodivergence like ADHD because people of all ages are finally getting clarity about why they think and act.
Often, people are blissfully unaware they are neurodivergent, but their partners notice that they have tics, habits and routines which align with the classic symptoms of ADHD.
There are nine common symptoms, or ‘warning signs’ of ADHD and there are easy to spot.
1. Forgetfulness
One of the signs of ADHD is forgetting things like house keys or leaving things behind, or forgetting appointments, or things you’ve been told. But this is nothing sudden or new. On the contrary, it is more likely something ‘consistent’ — something that they’ve done as long as you’ve known them.
2. Being easily distracted
The second symptom is getting easily distracted. For example, you might notice them looking out the window during conversations, or getting distracted by other people talking. Both these signs are traits of ‘inattentive ADHD.’ There is also inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive and combined ADHD. Symptoms of the inattentive type can often be dismissed in women, as women may experience them internally rather than externally.
3. Executive functioning difficulties
While executive functioning difficulty isn’t part of the diagnostic criteria, it can be a symptom of ADHD. It can be seen in difficulties with time management and struggling to get on with tasks. Other signs of executive dysfunction include difficulty with multitasking, paying attention and organising thoughts. This is a trait of the inattentive kind, but it is possible for people to experience both executive dysfunction and hyperactivity — this is the combined type.
4. Struggling to sit still
This is a trait of hyperactive-impulsive ADHD, which when it looks like a partner is always on the go. Some people with ADHD may seem restless or struggle to sit still. But this can also manifest itself as an internal restlessness where a person can experiencing racing thoughts.
5. Impulsivity, talking quickly and interrupting
It can be lovely to be with someone with ADHD who can be ‘spontaneous’ she said, but they can make risky decisions. These decisions, however well-intended, may not always be very well planned out. This impulsivity can also lead to your partner saying things without thinking, interrupt people or speak over others.
6. Hyperfocusing
The person may also hyper focus on things, which can make them show lots of passion and interest in just one thing. These interests could last for months or even years, involving and them doing lots of research on one topic before moving on to the next. While this behaviour is not in the DSM-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual / 2018) a study linked hyperactivity to the neuro-developmental condition.
7. Difficulty in Communicating
Dating someone with ADHD can be exciting because they are spontaneous, charismatic and dynamic, but it might also be challenging to be married to someone with ADHD, because their communication style might be different to your own. Someone with ADHD can talk in a ‘tangenitial’ way which can be tricky to understand or follow as they struggle to follow as their train of thought jumps between topics. They may also want you to get to the point when you want a deep and meaningful conversation because they struggle to sustain attention in longer conversations.
8. Intense emotions
ADHD people can feel emotions deeply and this can make them more impulsive when they’re angry or frustrated. They may not always take time to think and understand the other person’s perspective and may jump quickly to anger or frustration. It’s all about understanding that what they say first might not be what they actually mean, and that later they may reflect and apologise.
9. Rejection sensitivity
The partner with ADHD may struggle with rejection sensitivity (rejected sensitivity disorder). Some people are very sensitive to rejection, because of years of having experiences of being told they’re not good enough. They may quickly feel like they’re being rejected or pushed away and need a little bit more love and compassion,’ she explained.
How to talk to your partner if you think they have ADHD
It’s best to approach this with a sense of curiosity and have an open conversation about how they’re feeling. It’s a good idea to start by focusing on the positives, because neurodiversity isn’t a negative thing or a weakness, but a strength. Normally, a diagnosis is only sought if it’s impairing daily functioning, so it’s best to talk with them if you notice their distress, which could be because it’s impacting on their wellbeing.
In addition, acknowledging their strengths and the things you love about them is helpful and useful. If it’s not significantly impairing their life, they might not need to seek a diagnosis. Couples should try to work together to manage it.
A good example understanding your partner’s needs is showing compassion and making they are looking after themselves. It’s important to focus on working on the strength of both people in a partnership — for example, trusting them to tackle tasks you know they excel at. For example, if someone is really good at organising, they could create a joint schedule.