To buy or not to buy…

images copyRead this Article NOW! and we’ll include an extra, added, complimentary, bonus, FREE gift… a unique, fabulous, environmentally friendly, hand-made, designer, luxury, prestige, classic, de luxe, high-quality, premium, select, zero emissions, gourmet pen, with combination lighter, magnifying glass, torch and FM radio, beautifully presented in a genuine, scientifically proven, imitation leather style case with real simulated silk lining. No purchase necessary! Our professional, knowledgeable, polite, friendly, expert and highly trained commission-only staff will help you choose the all inclusive package that’s right for you, right for your finances, right for your family, and good for the planet…

Our huge selection of name brands (hand-made by 12 year-old slave labour in Cambodia) direct from the manufacturer (12 year-old slave labourers in Cambodia) guarantees quality (these Cambodian kids really know what they’re doing!) value (because Cambodian 12 year-olds are paid less than Vietnamese 12 year-olds) style (as worn by vacuous celebrities) convenience (we’re only 30 miles away, just off Exit 29) economy (our mark up is only 300%) savings (we were actually hoping for 400%) performance (it will last at least 3 washes before it falls to pieces) and the fantastic value and friendly service that we believe is essential for today’s discerning customer (that’s you, you idiot.)

We offer low rates (you’ll end up paying for it twice) easy terms (just make sure you keep sending us the money) affordable prices (thank goodness for those Cambodian kids!) a money back guarantee if not fully satisfied (no one ever asks for their money back, and neither will you, schmuck!) and a unique two for the price of one, buy one get one free, (buy the right shoe and we’ll throw the left one in for nothing!) once only special offer (which will run for all eternity.)

We provide free parking (big deal!) free consultation (as if this is something special) free appraisal (our sales staff, who work on commission, will do their best to find the best way for you to part with your money) free estimate (don’t expect us to tell you how much it’s actually going to cost) free demonstration (takes two seconds) free installation (built into the price) free delivery (built into the price) free home trial (no one ever sends it back, and neither will you) and free aftercare (available only after you’ve complained until you’re blue in the face.)

There’s no entry fee (whoever heard of anyone charging admission when they’re trying to sell you something?) no purchase necessary (just like anywhere else) no obligation (just like anywhere else) no risk (you’re protected by consumer laws) no fuss (our highly skilled commission-only salespeople will make sure of that) no red tape (anyone can buy things you know!) no down payment (don’t worry, we’ll get it off you eventually) no hidden charges (we’re ripping you off enough as it is thanks) no repayments for a year (you should plan ahead) no one will call on you (unless you default) no questions asked (we just want your money) nothing down (we’ll get it later) nothing to pay for twelve months (really… you should plan ahead!) a year’s free interest (we’ll get it next year) and a free credit guarantee (meaningless.)

For a limited time only (before we reduce prices in the sale) and only while stocks last (we’ve got tons of this shit.) Act now, order today, operators are waiting for your call – please call now, or, if lines are busy, please call again (gives the impression that there’s a high demand for this crap.)

After your purchase, why not relax in our New York family style restaurant (there’s a picture of the Statue of Liberty on the wall & it’s full of people arguing with their kids) where you can enjoy fresh (from the freezer) home made (made in bulk in our industrial size kitchen) hearty (more than you can eat and remain healthy) good old fashioned food (a selection of pies, fish & chips, sandwiches) just like grandma used to make (that’s before the introduction of hygiene laws) full of nature’s natural goodness (just defrost and microwave) and organic natural fibre (comes with limp salad.) 

Or, why not try one of our famous (where?) gourmet* burgers (that’s a burger with an added thinnest possible slice of gherkin and 5 grammes of processed cheese – cost: less than 1p – with a toothpick stuck in it and potato wedges instead of chips) or one of our fine Italian style (assembly-line produced in Wolverhampton) gourmet* pizzas? (with extra cheese and less than 1/10th of an avocado, available only in season.)

*Anything with the word ‘gourmet’ attached to it is charged a disproportionate 30% extra.

Thank You for your custom.

(Items not sold separately, batteries not included, allow 28 days for delivery, some items may not be available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply, it’s all shit, made in Cambodia to minimum legal requirements by 12 year-olds.) 

Copyright Andrew Newton 2013. All rights reserved.