Mindfulness has become the psychological buzzword of the 21st century, embraced by Neuro-Linguistic Programmers and snake oil salesman the world over. It’s a new idea based on old knowledge and involves emptying your mind and listening to the world around you. You imagine you are able to hear the faint sounds of a still summers day, the song of a solitary bird… the sound of the rain… or even the rumble of traffic… the sounds of neighbours arguing… an ambulance… or a distant car alarm.
Mindfulness teaches people to ‘live in the moment’ when in fact they are living on a council estate in Rochdale. Mindfulness teaches you to accept things as they are — rubbish, expensive, unfair and out of date in six months. Mindfulness teaches you that there is more wisdom in a waterfall than there is in a hundred men, when deep down, we all know that this is bollocks.
Mindfulness teaches you how to stare at a tree for hours, completely removing your work related stress when you should be working. Mindfulness teaches you kindness and how to meditate and think of a friend and send them pure love. This is easier than bothering to go and see them or lending them money.
Mindfulness practitioners like to go on silent retreats for days where nobody demands anything of you, except the course fee. There are silent lectures followed by silent question and answer sessions. Most retreats take place in West London and whilst not as good as Thailand, they’re much cheaper. In Thailand you can find your way to a state of intense curiosity and awareness and ladyboys. Mindfulness teaches self-realisation — you learn to accept you are a plumber and not a Nobel Prize winner or a high flying company executive.
Mindfulness teaches you to smile all the time, something guaranteed to irritate others and think you’re odd. You can achieve mindfulness anywhere, simply by filling your mind with images of calm, serenity and wonder. Mindfulness teaches that life can sometimes be too noisy. It also teaches you to not speak for long periods of time.
New kinds of mindfulness are popping up all the time. There are now courses for cardio mindfulness, cockney mindfulness, honey-roast mindfulness, micro-mindfulness and mindlessness, where you beat up your inner total stranger.
Mindfulness teaches you to love the Earth and ignore the fact that the Earth does not love you back. You could join Friends of the Earth, but the Earth will never know you.
Mindfulness teaches you to get in touch with your inner child. Some people discover that their inner child has been given some experimental medication and have some very vivid dreams.
Better than mindfulness is to listen to Monty Python’s uplifting song, ‘Always look on the Bright Side of Life.’ It costs less, makes more sense, and it’s meaning gives clarity to the soul.