Childhood abandonment, trauma and emotional neglect will reveal itself in adulthood in one form or another. This article examines the effect of all three and offers some solutions.

Abandonment in childhood can affect adult relationships. Abandonment behaviours are a form of anxiety, occurring occurs when an individual has a strong fear of losing loved ones. These behaviours range from from being overly eager to please, to struggling to trust your partner, to thinking you’re not good enough. The most serious damage emerges because your needs were not met in the way you needed them to be.

Abandonment shows up in relationships where unfulfilled childhood needs are projected in order to gain acceptance. We start to believe there’s something wrong with us or that no one will love us, so we try to manipulate the relationship to keep ourselves safe.

Here are some of the signals you should be aware of:

• When you meet someone you’re interested in, is your main concern do they like me? At that early stage of a relationship, your main concern should be were or not YOU are interested in forming a relationship with this person,
• You stay in a relationship even if you’re miserable, because you fear breaking up and losing that person,
• You personalise your partner’s lack of interest in you and the thought of rejection is crushing,
• You give too much or are overly eager to please,
• You will continue to try to connect with an ex — even when they’ve made it clear they’re no longer interested,
• You date people you feel you want to ‘save’ or ‘rescue’, and find comfort in putting yourself in the ‘saviour’ role because you will at last feel needed,
• You avoid engaging in difficult or awkward conversations because you fear upsetting your partner — instead, you avoid conflict or rejection,
• You have trouble trusting your partner’s intentions and worry they will leave you,
• You betray yourself by allowing your needs to be unmet so your partner doesn’t leave,
• People who struggle with abandonment issues experience extreme emotional sensitivity to anything that can trigger rejection, for example, feeling insignificant, or criticised, misunderstood, slighted, excluded, or overlooked.
• People suffering from abandonment often give too much or are overly eager to please. They date people they feel you can fix, help, save or rescue, finding comfort in the ‘saviour’ role because that will make them feel needed.

Ways in which childhood trauma can manifest itself in adulthood:

• You strive to be perfect and overthink everything, 
• You harbour a fear of failure,
• You blame yourself for past choices and mistakes, 
• You over worry about what others may think about you,
• You don’t trust yourself to make decisions,
• You suffer from constant negative self criticism that you believe to be true,
• You struggle with self-compassion and self-forgiveness,
• You constantly criticise yourself,
• You seek external validation to feel accepted,
• You struggle with anxiety,  
• You are hypersensitive to criticism,
• You are fearful of change and uncertainty,
• You believe you are not worthy and never good enough,
• You find it hard to take compliments,
• You have a deep sense of being flawed or different,
• You have a tendency toward guilt and shame,
• You have difficulty trusting new people,
• You have a fear of depending on people,
• You have a significant fear of rejection,
• You have difficulty with self-compassion, but plenty of compassion for others,
• You experience self-directed anger and self-blame,
• You have difficulties self regulating emotions and self discipline,
• You often experience feelings of emptiness,
• You often feel the you always seem to get things wrong,
• You worry you will be rejected or let down if you trust someone,
• You don’t want to be a burden to anyone,
• You don’t know who you are or what your purpose in life is. 

Children learn about feelings and emotions in their early years — parents are more in tune with their child’s needs and respond to them accordingly and appropriately, making sure the child’s feelings are accepted and valued. 

But under different circumstances, emotional neglect can happen when a child is upset, for instance, when a parent or primary caregiver belittles the child’s distress. And when parents fail to set boundaries that provide safety, or constantly prioritise their own needs or the needs of another child, they fail in their duty to let the child know that their needs are just as important.

The effects of neglect can last into adulthood, your relationships, an your career, and even influence how you navigate your everyday life.

Adults who suffered childhood emotional neglect have a deep sense of being flawed or ‘different.’ Harbouring lack of self-knowledge and/or feelings of guilt and shame can also create potential struggles in later life. Difficulty in exercising self-compassion could be an issue for these adults, although they often seem to have plenty of time for others.

These individuals commonly struggle with self-directed anger, self-blame, difficulties selfregulating emotions and self-discipline. Further, adults who suffered childhood emotional neglect may struggle with feelings of emptiness and in extreme circumstances, hopelessness.

Childhood abandonment and/or trauma can be subtle, nuanced, and so routine it can seem almost normal. Understanding precisely how childhood trauma has shaped a person’s life can be difficult, but understanding can offer a path to healing and inner peace. But this takes time and can be a long process.

The examples above are not limited to romantic relationships — they can also appear in non-romantic relationships with friends, family members, colleagues, careers, and the way one navigates through life. But… it’s never too late to seek help, because the past is not a life sentence!

Change starts with understanding and self-awareness, and discovering the tools that will help manage your emotions. It’s not about self criticism or blame, it’s about developing self-awareness and understanding in order to manage your own needs. You should try to identify those unmet needs, and understand where your anger comes from. Then you can create your own self-care habits and use your feelings and emotions as a guidance system to identify what it is you need to calm yourself in the present. Remember… nobody is perfect! So forget the fear of failing and blaming yourself for your past choices and mistakes!

So… your homework is to:

1. Identify your unmet needs,
2. Understand your anger,
3. Create self-care habits,
4. Use your emotions as a guidance system,
5. Identify what you need to do to keep calm where once you would have been stressed.

Healing is a process and the road is different for everyone.

Healing can be facilitated by knowing how the emotional neglect has shaped your life and understanding what has happened. It’s not about finger pointing or blaming, it’s about developing self-awareness and self-understanding. This will lead to making the right kind of choices — choices that support your needs. 

No matter what your experience of childhood abandonment, neglect, or trauma has been, the most important thing is to remember hope is never lost and there is help out there!